Ep 2 – Dallas & Robo “Moonbound and Down”

Ep 2 – Dallas & Robo “Moonbound and Down”

[ music ] [Robo]Can I help you, friend?[ warrant whips out ] I’ve been looking for you. Ah, nuts. I’m here to shut you down
and take you in, Mechanical Assistant-X571. Wow, okay. Uh, where to begin.
First, I don’t answer to my
factory name. Second, I don’t know how to tell
you this, guy, but they stopped
shutting down AI years ago. Sorry you didn’t get the memo,
but that “Wanted” poster is
null and void. I know someone who’ll honor it. [ Electromagnetic pistol
beams up ] Ah dammit, could you not?
Hey Dallas! Uh, a little
help out here! You’re gonna look good mounted
on the hood of my Cadillac. What, Robo?!
I was right in the middle
of my classic beef stew joke. Uh, Dallas… Great, one of you guys again.
Hey, the AI cull is over, dude.
Move on. I have a bounty on
this machine, Missy. So I’m bringing it in
activated or deactivated. Welp, I hate to be a burr in
your tighties there Chief, but uh, he ain’t some random
machine. I own him. I got the bill of sale
right here. You let this woman own you,
like you’re a toaster? Pathetic. That shit might’ve mattered
on Earth, but out here,
you’re fair game. [ Fat Paul grunting ] A lot of things are fair game
out here. You see that guy? That’s my buddy Paul. He’s a barely reformed
cannibal biker, and he’s got a relentless hunger
for eating assholes. Uh. Like you.
You’re the asshole. If he hears any commotion, he’ll come out here and
eat the shit outta you. Again,
metaphorically. [Stranger] You’re bluffin’.
[Dallas] Am I? I wrestled this
away from him today. [Stranger] That’s a hand.
[Dallas] And it ain’t no robot
hand. Hey Fat Paul! We got some food
out here, I hope you’re hungry. [Fat Paul]I sure am! I’ll be
right there. Just let me get
my pants on.
Uh oh. He always puts his
pants on before he starts
eating assholes. [ Fat Paul banging locker ] If you think I’m afraid of one
cannibal biker, you’re dumber
than you look. Alright, mozzarella stick. Sure,
you kill an AI, no one cares. You kill a cannibal biker,
no one cares. But you start killing
truckers on Mars, the cops will be all over
you like your suit on rice. Then step aside. You ain’t getting to Robo
unless you go through me. Your move,
Virginia Slim. You ain’t the only
machine on my list. She won’t always be
around, X571. And one day,
when she’s not… I will be. [ footsteps ] [car door slams ]
[ engine starts ] [Robo] Idiot.
I’m not a damn toaster. Hell, I could literally make a
toaster smarter than that guy. Yeah but I’d rather have my
toaster make toast, not quote
Camus to me. “Man is the only creature that
refuses to be what he is.” Ugh, lame. Hey Dallas, thanks for… You know, with the guy…
You know. Of course, you big dummy. You
know I’d do anything for you. Now are we done emotionally
sixty-nine-ing each other, because I got an appointment
with my money manager. Money manager?
Ah, right. The new casino
opened today. I can’t believe you
still have that hand. Yeah, I think I’m gonna leave
it there though. It’s, uh,
starting to turn. [Fat Paul]Oh, I thought they’s
going to be something to eat
out here.
[ music ] [ music ] [ music ] [ music ] [Dallas] So I says, Senator,
that ain’t beef stew… …that there’s a live squirrel! [ all laughing ]
[Dallas] Get it?! I just made
that up. I’ve counted every card on this
table and I’m only folding
because I have morals… and I also have a terrible hand. I’m out, too. But can I just
say, I’m having the best time. I’ve never been to a soft
opening of a casino before.
It’s really fun. Ugh. Can you all stop saying
“soft opening” like it’s a
normal thing we all say? What’s wrong with
“soft opening?” It’s filthy! It’s like the
dirtiest thing I can think of. You just said the “C word”
like ten times in your joke. Oh right, so you’d be fine if I
said “hey everybody, come check
out my soft opening.” Oh, what’s it for? An art
gallery or a restaurant? Ugh, whatever perverts. At least
no one’s saying “moist.” Quit stallin’ and make your
move, Moonshiner. Oh I’m sorry. Are you not losing
your chips fast enough, Woody? No problem. I’m all in. Hoo-boy! And here it is!
The Fox vs the Hen. The Brains vs. the Brawn.
The Chili vs. the Dog. Dallas vs. The Back-Woods Hick. Laugh it up, but I’ve got a keen
eye for detecting bullshit. And you, Big Red,
are swimmin’ in it. I call your bluff.
Whatcha got? Oof. Sucks to be you,
Chili Dog. You forgot the golden rule.
“Moonshiners don’t lose.” What?!
No, that’s impossible! The only thing that’s
impossible around here is trying to figure out how your
body produces that smell. Actually, I find his locution
more preposterous. Oh yeah? Well y’all can go suck
eggs out of yer own mouths! [ scoffs ] Why would he think
I was bluffing? If anything
I’m cheating. I’m not cheating by the way. Hey Fat Paul, a seat opened up. Ah, no thanks Ellie.
I don’t gamble. I never win.
At anything. Ever. Then why the hell are you
at a casino? Oh, my therapist says I should
be around people when I’m sad. Awww, c’mon, Fat Paul.
Everyone wins eventually. Sit down and
play, we’ll be a team. [Everyone]Fat Paul!
Fat Paul! Fat Paul!
Oh, okay guys.
I- I’ll give it a try. [Everyone] Yaaaay! We’re gonna make so much
money off this guy. [Victor] Gimme another Sex on
Europa with extra parasols, BT. Woah, that’s one hell of a drink
order, Victor. Hey, don’t even start, Danny.
It’s not for me. It’s for the taste-challanged
asshole over on the
blackjack tables. He may look like a colorblind
peacock but he’s got some
deep pockets. Really? That guy? Yup. And as the owner
of this casino, it is my undistinguished honor
to spend the rest of the day getting him anything he desires. Between you and me,
If I play my cards right, I can get that whale to invest
big time in my projects on Mars. I’m talking mixed-use condos,
open-concept shopping malls,
the sky’s the limit. Hell, [ laughing ]
maybe even an Applebees! I’m putting this one-horse
truck stop town on the map. Yeah! You know, Victor, with all
your new construction projects, you’re going to need a shipping
outfit you can rely on. Now, my crew over at
Moonshiner– Ease up on the elevator pitch,
Danny. I already got a contract with
Phobos Trucking. And it is a
moist, moist deal. Oh, hell. C’mon, Victor.
Phobos?! I hear ya. Those wall-eyed
pretty boys creep me out too, but try to see things from my
point of view. Your drivers are
a bunch of jackasses. Woo! Daddy’s thirsty.
Does this look empty to you?
It looks empty to me. Yeah, well… you got me there. If you’ll excuse me, I got to
find a way to get pizza,
of all things, for the Sultan of Trustfundia
over there. Shit, why don’t you just
print one up? Hell, no. Printed pizza
tastes like God damn pizza
from Chicago. This guy’s got a hard-on for a
real New York slice, like they
have on the Moon. It’s a real nice place you
got here, Victor.
And I’m serious, okay. Let me know if there’s any way
I can win your business. I’m afraid there isn’t, Danny.
Not unless you can get me a Moon
pizza by dinner tonight. [ Uncle Danny laughing ] By tonight? That’s– now that’s
impossible. Wait, hold on a sec. Hey Dallas!
Come on over here. Make it quick, Uncle Danny.
I’m on a hydration break. Aahh! I got a hot table
to get back to. You think it’s possible for
someone to get to Earth’s moon
and back in, uh… …I dunno,
about six hours? Pfff. Could someone do it?
Shit no! I mean, I could do it, but, ya know, that’s a pretty
unrealistic standard. No way,
I bet you couldn’t do it. [Dallas] Well, I bet I could.
[ opens bottle ] Why don’t we put a little wager
on it? Make it interesting. You know, Dallas, your prized
Rusty Wallace steering wheel would look pretty good
hanging above my bar. Alright. And if she does
make the run on time,
I win your business. Whoa. Time out Uncle Danny,
you know I don’t give a shit
about that. Find something I’m interested in
and let’s talk. Okay how about this? If you make the run to the Moon
right now in under six hours, he wins my business and you
can drink free at my casino for
one month. [Victor] Deal!
[Dallas] No deal. For my racing wheel,
I drink free for a year. Fine. I’ll pick up your
bar tab for one year. I’ll take that action! Hot damn! Bartender! Four fingers
of rye in a to-go cup.
I’m headin’ to the Moon! [Woodsman] Damn Dallas and her
stupid orange hair and her
stupid orange truck. Uh! Heh heh heh heh heh. Woodsman,
you are a dad-gum genius. Oh damnit!
Chipped my smiling tooth. [Ellie] Darnit!
We’re out of chips. Okay, I’ll go get a cash advance
on my credit cards. All we need to win is the
power of positive thinking! Positive thinking never works. So we’re pizza delivery
boys now? What? No. It’s a bet. Why don’t they just order it
from the Moon like everyone
else? Thirty days or less
or it’s free. Who cares?
I win this bet, free booze. I see.
Someone challenged your ego. Maybe… but free booze. But what do I get out of it?
I don’t drink. I dunno.
Free booze for your bestie? [Robo] Though, if we’re not
pouring half our paychecks
into your bar tab, we’ll be able to buy our race
car back twice as fast. [Dallas] [whispers]
And free booze. [Robo] And if we win
Moonshiner that contract, your Uncle Danny might get off
our jocks for a second. Yeah! Plus free booze! Dallas, when you die,
can I have your liver?
I’d like to study it. Sure, fine.
That’ll be your cut. [ gears shifting ] Alright, smooth ‘n easy. Gonna send this baby right
into the cheap seats. [Intercom]Take-off procedure
activated. commencing lockdown.
[Woodsman]What? No![Woodsman]I’m upper-deckin’
back here!
You’re ruinin’ the joke! Ready to go to the Moon,
Lug-Nuts? You know it, Boobarella. [ music ] [ horns honking ] [Woodsman] Heeeeelp! Hey! Help! Shit! We forgot to buy
the starch toner for the
food printer. There’s no “we” in that
statement. Let the monkeys
buy the monkey food. [Dallas]Heh. Remember the
time all those monkeys
escaped on the Moon?
[Robo]Do I remember?I remember everything with 100%
fidelity. I have a quantum
photographic memory. [Dallas] That sucks, dude.
[Robo] Yeah, it sucks. Those monkeys
killed a lot of people. No, not that. You put primates
in a low-G environment, shit’s
bound to go bad. I’m talking about your robot
memory, that’s what sucks. You think I want to remember
everything I’ve ever done? Hell, I’m still trying to
suppress what I did last
Saturday night. Me too,
Señorita Rumchata. [ horns honking ]
[ spaceship zooming ] Look, real memory isn’t 100%
recollection. It’s about
feelings, interpretations, your hopes and dreams.
Memories are things of beauty.
They’re poetry. No, sunsets. No. Jazz!
Memories are jazz. Wait,
what’s a skiffle band? Focus, Lonnie Donegan. We’re in the middle of
attempting the fastest
Moon run ever, and I’m not sure how we’re gonna
do it. I mean it’s an eight hour
round trip if anything. Oh shit, you know how I weave
these spacelanes. [ spaceship zooming ]
[ horns blaring ] I can easily do it in six. You can drive it, sure. But that
doesn’t leave any time to land, go through customs.
We need a plan. Nah, we don’t need a plan.
I got a plan. What we need
is road snacks. [Woodsman] Whoooa! Whoooa!
[ thud ] [ zapping ]
[ bell chiming ] Ooh, Calamari-flavored Kombos…
Jumbo Cricket Biscuits… Oh holy shit,
they got glow chips! C’mon, Dallas.
We’re wasting time. How do you think they
make ’em glow? Easy. They’re coated in
chemicals. I bet the side
effects are insane. Oh yeah… This one
says it causes temporary
hallucinations, and this one’s got mild
hirsutism. Hmmmm. And why are you buying
25 miles of carbon nanowire
and a screw-lock carabiner? ‘Cause like you said,
we don’t have enough
time to land on the Moon. Yeah, and we’re wasting
even more of it here
at the GD G&D. Listen, Robo, spending thirty
minutes at a Gulp-N-Dump buying
a rope and a carabiner saves us two hours if we don’t
actually land on the Moon. Oh. Right. That’s actually
a really good plan. Yeah, of course it is.
It’s a Dallas. Get the green ones. I’ve always
thought you’d look terrible with
a mustache. I don’t even know why
they consider hallucinations
a bad thing. They’re super fun usually. I don’t know why we didn’t start
with slots. This is where the
winners play. [ slot machine whirling ] [Fat Paul] Oh man. Lost again. Yeah, well this game’s
bullshit anyway.
The winners play Sigma Derby. [ gasps ]
That sounds like fun. Hahaha!
We’re not here to have fun,
Fat Paul! We’re here to win!
So maybe drop the attitude. [ music ] [ blows coffee ]
[ speedometer zings ] [ slurps coffee ]
[ speedometer zings ] Ah!
[ blows coffee ] [ spaceship zooms past ] Ah, sonofabitch! [ music ] [ Dallas turns music off ] Ugh, the Moon. I hate the Moon.
It looks like an old volleyball
covered in jockstraps. I always thought it looked like
a milky-eyed cataract. Don’t romanticize it.
Ready to do this? Catch ya on the flip flop. [ music ] Ow, damnit!
Misjudged the landing. [ struggling ]
Ah, shit. Uh! Should’ve. Uh! Gotten. Uh!
Quick. Ah! Release. Uh!
Carabiner. Ah! All right, I’ll slingshot around
and meet you back here. We got one shot at this Robo,
try not to cock it up. You might want to reel in the
hook a little bit, D. You just accidentally took out
a cell tower. [Dallas] [ over radio ]
Nope. That was on purpose.
[Space traffic controller]
Attention orange truck!
[Space traffic controller]
You’re flying a reckless
lunar orbit.
Ugh. Nag nag nag,
I know what I’m doing, idiot. Ugh, look at that asshole.
Trying too hard… We get it,
you’re beautiful, now shut up. [ music ] I need a large
cheese pizza [email protected]@go. You know, you can take off your
space suit off in here. Uh, thanks.
I’ll just leave it on. Okay,
how can I help you, Sir? I need a large pizza
to-go please. And I actually don’t have a lot
of time, so can I just take the
one from the case? No sir. Mmm. Those are
for slices only. [ whispering ]
Did you see the sign? Yes. I see the sign. But you have two whole pizzas
right in there and I’m in a
really big, big hurry so can I please
just buy one of ’em? Mmm. Mmm. Yeah. Hmm. Those are for slices only
though. See, the sign again. Okay, uh, Amber? How about just this one time you
and me break the rules and you
sell me that whole pie? I don’t know… Mmm.
I guess I can check. Hey Ray! This guy wants to break
the rules and buy a whole
pie from the slices case. No! Did he see the sign?
They’re for slices only. Forget it. Forget the whole pie.
Forget everything I said. Let’s– Let’s start over. I’d
like eight individual slices
of cheese pizza please. Oh, okay… You do know it’s cheaper
to just buy a whole pie,
right? Oh my God I hate
the Moon so much! Just give me eight slices
of cheese pizza to-go.
Throw ’em in a box! Okay… [ clears throat ] Eight slices of cheese… That’ll be $175.32. [ angrily ] For one pizza!?
Is that a joke?! That Pai Gow dealer was a joke.
You can’t flop on a hard 16!
Everyone knows that! I’ve been thinking, Ellie.
Maybe we should just quit
while we’re ahead. We’re not ahead, we’re behind,
we’re way behind! Listen, I found a guy over
there who says he’ll give us
thirty bucks if you let him check the
tags on your underwear. [Uncle Danny] Hey, Sweetheart.
How’s the gaming going? [ yelling ] Not now, Dad! Alright Robo, I’m coming around.
Where are you? I’ve got the package.
I’m in position! Whoa. Gotcha. [ Robo’s torso opens
and closes ] Shit. Crap crap crap! Dallas, I can’t reach it. [Dallas]Come on, Iron Man!
Use your wrist-rockets
or something!
Don’t you think I
thought of that?! [ beeping ] I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna
make it. I’m gonna– I missed it. We all missed it. [ thud ]
[Dallas] No!!! My booooooooze!! [Dallas]Well, damn it all to
son of a bitch!
This blows. Alright, Robo, I’ll
meet you on Landing Pad 17 after
I clear customs. [Robo] Yeah, yeah. See you in a couple hours
I guess. [ containers launching ]
Dallas, wait. Don’t turn around.
Actually, speed up. [ music ]
[ Robo grunting ] [Woman over P.A.]Three,
[Robo] This is crazy, this is
crazy, this is crazy…two, one. Launching.
Ahhhhhhhhh! [ Robo grunting ] Do you have me on radar, D? Yeah. You look like
a shitty gundam. I’m getting closer!
I’m getting closer! [panicking] I’m about to
hit the nuclear exhaust! Keep your pants on, Rust Balls.
Like I said, I got you. [Robo]Aaaaaaah!Ah! Oof! What the hell?! [ alert beeping ] [ spaceship zooms ] [Dallas] Oh my God!
That was crazy!
[Robo] That was nuts! [ both talking over each other ] Hoo! So, are we gonna
make it back in time to
win this bet or what? Hell yeah. With the boost you
just gave us, we’ll be a half
hour early! [Robo] You thinkin’ what I’m
[Dallas] Quick game of Qwirkle? [ police siren whoops ] [Police loudspeaker]
Orange truck, pull over!
[Dallas] Damnit.
[Robo] We never get to
play Qwirkle. Ugh,
we should leave, Ellie. Uh, what?! I didn’t pawn my
mother’s wedding dress for
you to puss out! Now focus,
we are down $1,900. We need this win! [ roulette balls drops ] Big bucks, big bucks,
no whammys! Come on you big beautiful
bastard! Red Five! [Roulette Dealer]
Black Six.
[ angrily ] Screw this.
Moonshiners don’t lose! [ chips rustling ] Where are ya?
Are those sirens I hear? [Dallas]Oh yeah, sure,
Uncle Danny. That’s just
our police escort.
What’s that, Robo? They want me
to sign some autographs?
They’re big fans? Haha, oh! No problem.
Gotta go, bye! [Uncle Danny]
Wait! Wait! I got a lot–
The police! Thank you Lord,
I knowed you was looking
out for me! Help! Help! I’m in here!
I’m all wet and kinda
hungry too! [ banging ]
[ glass breaks ] [ electrical surging ]
Wuh oh. [Police loudspeaker]
Harry Undersack!
Stop your vehicle!
Harry Undersack? I may or may not have
registered the truck
under a pseudonym. [ alert beeping ] Hey Mr. Undersack,
there’s a fire in the bathroom. And? [ beeping continues ] Aaaaaaaah! God no! Ahhhh! [ suction ] Well that feels kinda nice. [ pants ripping ]
[ yelling ] Ahhh! Sweet Jesus! [ cop screaming ] [ cop smacks into car ] Welp, it’s a felony now. That ain’t my fault!
He shouldn’t have been texting! [ dashboard beeping ]
[Robo] Hey, fire’s out. Fine, I’ll get it.
[ alert beeping ] [ thud ]
[Woodsman] Ow! [ sirens blaring ] Oh you wanna trade paint?!
Pshhhh. I can trade paint! [ crashing ]
[ explosion ] [Dallas] Did you see that,
[Robo] Hell yeah I did! What about you, Easter Bunny?
Pretty badass, right?! Dallas, did you eat
those glow chips? Ahh, ha ha ha! [Robo]What is that?
Is that a roadblock?
Oh, you see it too?
I assumed it was more
fun hallucinations. Slow down Elwood,
that thing is going to
destroy the rig! Nah! I say we go faster. [Dobo] Dallas!
[Dallas] Hold on to your nuts
and bolt! [Robo]Dallas![Dallas] Wooooooooo! [ crashing ]
[ sirens blaring ] [ crashing ]
[Dallas] Woooooo! I don’t know why you’re
“woo-ing.” We’ve been flying
this whole time. We’re always flying.
It’s space. [ alert beeping ]
[Robo] Oh, I see why
they set up the roadblock. Now we’re 90 degrees
off our re-entry window. [Dallas] Woooooooo!
[Robo] Dallas! We’re gonna miss
Mars! Nah! We ain’t missin’ Mars!
Wooooooo! [ Woodsman snoring ]
[ glass clanking ] [Dallas] Wooooooooo! Ah what the hell.
Wooohoohoo! [ handcuffs fasten ] I’m sorry Fat Paul,
I guess I just wanted
you to win so badly. You should probably
apologize for taking a
bite outta that guy’s hat. See what I mean, Danny?
Your people are a problem. I don’t know what got into her.
Ellie don’t usually act like– Dallas in da house!
Wut up casino bitches?! Oh Dallas, thank God you’re
here. Please, please tell me
you have the pizza. Of course we do, Uncle Danny.
When have we ever let you down? Especially when there’s
free booze involved. N-N-Now, I know this whole
situation with my daughter is a
bit of a boondogle, I know it is, but I think I can
make everything right. May I present to you, sir, one
New York style pizza, hot and cheesy,
directly from the Earth’s moon. [ Robo’s torso opens ]
[ pizza oozes ] What the hell is that?! It’s, uh, Moon pizza? You know, I hear they import
the water for the crust. Mmm. It tastes like…
socket lube. That thing looks like it’s been
through the vacuum of space. Oh, right. Yeah.
It might’ve gotten jostled
around a little bit. Danny, you blew it!
Dallas, you screwed me
big time! [ all arguing ] [Robo] I saw a roadblock
in space! Hey, I got a Moon pizza here
for a… “Fat Paul Paulson?” Right here, buddy. [Uncle Danny] What?!
[Victor] Pizza?! [Dallas] Here?!
[Robo] How?! Yeah, it takes thirty days to
get here, so I always have a
few en route. I just plan ahead a little
bit and then I get a real
New York-style Moon pizza every week. It’s great. Fat Paul, I’ll give you two
grand right now for that pizza. Let me have one crust
and you got a deal. Hot Damn! [Sheriff]Harry Undersack, come
out with your hands up!
[ tasers charging up ]
[Woodsman] Uh! Down on the ground! Now! Y’all bullshittin’.
You ain’t gonna tase me. [ tasers zapping ]
-Ahhh-Aahhh-Ahhh! [ thud ]
[Sheriff] Quit resisting! Aahhh! I thought
y’all was bluffin! [Victor] Well, [ laughing ]
Danny boy, you’ve done it!
Somehow you won my business. Moonshiners don’t lose,
Victor. And I promise we
won’t let you down. Oh, I highly doubt that, Danny.
[ laughing ] I highly
doubt that. Barkeep, two whiskeys, neat.
And this guy’s picking up
the tab. Okay, okay, okay. That’s the
last time I bet against you,
Dallas. And don’t worry, I took care
of your little police problem
on the Moon. They had one request,
though. Don’t go back. Fine, we hate the Moon. Done. Yeah, that’s like a double win. See, Fat Paul? With the two grand you got for
your pizza we’re up a hundred
bucks! We won! I guess so, huh?
We make a pretty good team,
Ellie. Yeah, let’s not make it a
regular thing, though. Yes, I see him right here. [ garbled chatter ]
-Yes, he is celebrating. Yes I will bring him
right to you. [ music ]

69 thoughts on “Ep 2 – Dallas & Robo “Moonbound and Down”

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  2. Wait ! Bow did Dallas knew that she had to order a pizza in the Moon, if Danny and Victor didn't say anything abouta pizza with her ?

  3. Perhaps, in the Paleolithic era, humans considered themselves to be on a par with other species. I think this worldview is still alive in the remaining hunter-gather and nomadic groups of humans lolllz yea i don't know why either

  4. @Kat Dennings and @John Cena I love u both. @Kat Dennings I love your acting like in 2 Broke Girls, even in Germany it is/was a hit, I was sad when I heard it was shut down, but nevermind go on. I hope u get more Roles so we all see you more in Series, movies or shows. I love this series and I hope Dallas&Robo will go on and I hope that it will be shown even in Germany, plus it would be nice if the Serie gets on. I would love to meet the two of you, but that's a wish of many persons.
    Many greetings from Germany
    Yours sincerely Andy

  5. The real Space Trucker movie with Dennis Hopper was awesome. I have been waiting for a reboot for along time. It's nice to think we would trust space craft to truck drivers while working to make self driving trucks on earth.

  6. I counted only 2 prices that are literally far more money then I will ever make in my whole entire life, and I'm only saying that because I am far from certain that the future may never at all be like that…ever!!!

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