Commentary tables everywhere. Title changes
everywhere. And matches, matches everywhere. So many matches. I’m Oli Davis and this
is WWE Summerslam 2017…in about 4 minutes. Well, I’m going to try, at least. It was
a long show. Miztourage beat Jason Jordan & Hardyz
WWE’s next big thing Jason Jordan was pinned by The Miz in the pre-show’s opening six
man tag. Thankfully for his push, hardly anyone was in the crowd to see it.
Neville beat Akira Tozawa Just six days after losing his Cruiserweight
title on Raw – following a division dominating reign for over half a year – Neville won it
back from Akira Tozawa. Which begs the question: WHY TAKE IT OFF NEVILLE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!
Usos beat New Day The Usos and the New Day didn’t just steal
the pre-show, they arguably had the match of the night – a terrific, fast-paced tag
match full of twists, turns, and Big E being splashed on the ring apron]. The Usos became
the new tag team champions after kicking Big E’s face off.
John Cena beat Baron Corbin After a weird interlude where Shawn Michaels
danced like a sexy Colonel Sanders – which I may or may not have hallucinated – John
Cena took on Baron ‘Where’s Your Briefcase?’ Corbin.
They had no chance at topping the terrific match that came before, and Baron’s loss
caps a terrible week for the Lone Wolf. Natalya beat Naomi
Natalya had a huge upset win, making Naomi tap in the Sharpshooter. And despite Carmella’s
repeated warnings, James Ellsworth didn’t cash-in her Money in the Bank briefcase.
Big Cass beat Big Show Then came the Big Lull with Big Cass and Big
Show. After a long Enzo Amore promo – where the crowd didn’t even pop for their own
city (mine is England, by the way) – SmackTalker Skywalker was hoisted up in the air in a shark
cage. Big Show’s selling of his broken hand was impeccable here, but it’s hard to appreciate
the nuance of his performance when Enzo strips down and oils himself up inside the shark
cage above him. The now lubricated Amore managed to slide through the bars, only to be big
booted in the face by Cass. This had very few redeeming features.
Randy Orton beat Rusev Rusev attacked Randy Orton FROM OUTTA BULGARIA
as The Viper entered the ring. But the pre-match beatdown did nothing, as Orton hit a great-looking
RKO as soon as the bell rang, winning the match in 10 seconds. It was a fun angle. It’s
just a shame it came at Rusev’s expense. Sasha Banks beat Alexa Bliss
Despite entering the ring cosplaying as that thing from Jurassic Park, Sasha Banks made
Alexa Bliss tap in a pretty good match – marking our first babyface title change. But hopefully
The Boss isn’t a babyface for long. She’ll have a returning from injury Bayley to answer
to soon. Finn Balor beat Bray Wyatt
Finn Balor then took on Bray Wyatt in a Battle of the Entrances, which The Demon most definitely
won. He also won the actual match, which was pretty similar to their Raw encounter six
days prior, just with more bodypaint. ⅔ Shield beat Sheamaro
At 4 hours into the show, there’s only so long the human attention span can resist inflatable
beach balls. So when one was introduced, BeachBallaMania inevitably ran wild.
In a moment of ingenuous spontaneity, though, Cesaro ran into the crowd and ripped the beach
ball to shreds. All of a sudden, the crowd were rejuvenated, completely invested in the
fantastic culmination of Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins’ couples counselling, where
they became the new Raw tag team champions. In a way, we should thank the Beach Ball.
AJ Styles beat Kevin Owens Despite AJ Styles and Kevin Owens doing the
wrestling, special guest referee Shane McMahon managed to sweat more than both men combined.
Eventually, McMahon became a sweaty foreign object, being used by Owens to hit Styles
at every available opportunity. But his dastardly plan backfired, with McMahon pushing back
playing into KO’s loss. This was the night’s first title retention!
Jinder Mahal beat Shinsuke Nakamura Jinder Mahal is really good at facial expressions.
Shinsuke Nakamura is really good at being weird – so smartly, the opening of this match
was based on those strengths. It was a good strategy, giving the match a slow, steady
build. The problem is…the payoff never came, Jinder winning suddenly after some very limp
Singh Brothers interference. This did nobody any favours.
Brock Lesnar beat Samoa Joe, Braun Strowman & Roman Reigns
The main event, however, was brilliantly structured – elevating all those within it. Apart from
Samoa Joe, who was just there to choke people every now and again.
It’s best described by Michael Cole, with this actual line that came out his mouth:
“Let’s put this in perspective – these are HUGE MEN!”
Roman Reigns spearing Brock Lesnar into the timekeeper’s area. Braun Strowman powerslamming
Lesnar through two commentary tables. Five minutes in, and Brock had already filled his
bump quota for the year. But best of all was still to come, Strowman
lifting the third commentary desk onto Lesnar. 1, 2, 3 – the table is your new Universal
Champion. Cruelly, the referees never counted the table’s
pin, but the seeds had already been planted: with Brock taking all this punishment early
on, maybe he is losing his title? Strowman getting over huge and 29 Superman
Punches later, though, Lesnar managed to pin Reigns to retain. So that was this year’s Summerslam in about
four minutes. Here’s Raw’s ratings recap, from top to bottom – In Awe, Cor, AVRAWGE,
Poor and Bore. I’ll reveal my rating very shortly, but
first, vote in the poll above my head to give yours. I’ll announce the results in tomorrow’s
WrestleTalk News. Summerslam was long, with the good matches
few and far between. The main event and both tag team title matches were incredibly good,
but that’s only 3 out of 13. The others ranged from solid TV matches to poorly thought
out angles – like in Rusev and Orton, Big Cass and Big Show and Jinder and Nakamura.
That’s a lot of filler to sit through, and not befitting of one of WWE’s biggest shows
of the year. Summerslam 2017 is…Poor.
What about 4 other Summerslam disasters! And what was the real reason Rob Van Dam lost
the WWE Championship? Click the videos to the left to find out, press subscribe and
support WrestleTalk on Patreon. I’ve been Oli Davis and that was wrestling.